a codependent and a borderline walk into a bar… (a video journal on my relationship)

In some ways, it feels like finding out you have borderline personality disorder is like finding out you’re a bad person. I know if you’ve been diagnosed (or are frantically resisting diagnosis) you know just what I mean. You realize you’ve accidentally been affecting others in ways that you haven’t meant to, you’ve been a tremendous emotional burden, etc. Giving into the guilt and pain of this realization would lead to self-pity that again makes it All About You just like it always has to be, so you can’t go that direction. You have to forgive yourself (radical acceptance) and also decide you’re going to do the work it takes to change. This is the basis of dialectical behavior therapy, and where I am right now.

Man, it’s hard. Here’s a video journal about the ways in which John and I have mirror-image problems in our relationship. I don’t think his problems are 100% because of my disorder — I think he’s predisposed to seek out girls who need fixing, in a way, and to want to put himself in that role — but the fact that I helped put him in the position he’s in and helped to create a relationship that restricted him instead of supported him is really awful for me. Saying I’m sorry is an understatement. And I’m really hoping he still chooses me — freely.

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